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When I was
in graduate school in California, one night I happened to see the TV movie,
“Like Normal People.” It was a true story based on the book by the same title
by Robert Meyers. Meyers tells about his brother, Roger, who is mildly retarded
and who falls in love and marries Virginia who also has metal
disabilities. The movie portrays the
struggles faced by Roger and his family as they try to deal with his
disabilities and it highlights attitudes that existed in society back in the
1970s about romance in regard to people with developmental disabilities. (You
can view a scene from the movie that presents this romantic struggle here. A
newspaper article about the real life couple can be found here).
I was very
moved by the cinematic portrayal that I saw, having no idea that five years
down the road I would be working with people with developmental disabilities. At the St. Andrew’s Foundation, we based our
habilitation programs on Wolf Wolfensberger’s concept of normalization, meaning
that we tried to allow each resident to live as independently as possible and
to enjoy the normal routines and rhythms of life. Forming romantic
relationships and domestic partnerships is part of the normal rhythm of
life. Dorothy, by the time I came to
know her, had settled into what seemed to be a happy routine living by herself
in her apartment. When we had discussed her life at Partlow, I had asked her if she had any boyfriends there. Later when we were talking about her life in the community, I asked her if she had ever considered getting married once she had left the
institution. The story she told had all the drama and humor one would expect when recounting a romantic relationship.
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| Dorothy sitting on her front porch |
“There
was a time when I thought about getting married. When I met up with Elmus, I thought he was a
real distinguished gentleman. I come to find out a couple of years later what
kind of distinguished gentleman he was. He wasn’t nothin’ but a drunk, and all
he wanted was money and whiskey and whatever. He stayed with me one night. He
slept in the other room [when I was still at the group home]. They found out
about it and told him he couldn’t stay there, that that was under the Mental
Health Authority.
He said
he had been at Bryce Hospital. I met him when I was at ORC (Occupational
Rehabilitation Center).
“I
thought about getting married and then I thought, well fitter, if I wound up
marrying somebody and they care nothing more for you than anything, what good
would that do? So Elmus, he got mad and
broke up with me. I wouldn’t let him have a twenty dollar bill. He ended up marrying Rebecca. Later on, he claimed that him and Rebecca
didn’t have no place to stay. They came down here and wanted to stay with me
and I wouldn’t let ‘em. He and Rebecca got married and had their wedding
reception at the old parish hall.
Rebecca wanted Elmus to tote her across the floor [threshold], and he couldn’t even
hardly pick her up. One of her shoes fell off her foot. They had got married
down at the courthouse. He was in his old work clothes and she got married in
an old sweatshirt and a pair of blue jeans. I didn’t go to their wedding, but I
went to the reception.
“Later
on Elmus told me, 'I married Rebecca and she don’t even know how to cook or
clean or nothing else.' I told him well
he made his own bed, now sleep in it. And I couldn’t marry him no how, if I had
they would’ve stopped my check, I reckon. Later on, I was glad and thankful that
I wasn’t the one that married him.”
~ ~ ~
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| Inside her apartment on her way to a party |
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